Surviving Christmas 

Hello Honey,

Christmas time is officially here.  Let me tell you, it has been rough. In full transparency, I have spent days in tears.  I knew from the moment I lost my mom, Christmas would be the hardest time of year for me to get through. Not because we celebrated but, because we didn't, well not conventionally.  We did not go to church or decorate heavily.  We made Christmas a holiday that would fit into our lives, not one that consumes us. 

This Christmas is different. Many will refer to it as Christmas 2022 on a Christmas card. For me, it is only referred to as the 1st of many that I will spend without mom. I do not find this as an unhealthy way to view the holiday, I see it as realistic. Since mom died, that is how I refer to it, my mom died.   In my head the term "pass away" is too kind for what happened. My mom died, and she died at home, which is where my dad and I will be spending Christmas this year. 

We have been invited to celebrations by both family and friends.  The fact is, no matter where we spend Christmas, mom will not be there.  I do not want to run from home during this difficult time. It worries me that if we leave for the holidays I would be lying. Lying to myself more than anyone else. To spend Christmas at home means honoring my emotions and pain.   Being surrounded by love doesn't work for me as it has for others.  I retreat into myself in an attempt to make everyone else more comfortable.  

This year I am not trying to celebrate or enjoy Christmas. I am implying trying to get through it. I'm doing the usual chores while also trying to arrange the house in a way that better works for dad and I.   I am writing, obviously, and reading many incredible books. I am not decorating because there is no real point this year.

We will have our regular Christmas Eve dinner of Pasta Aglio e olio.  Our regular Christmas dinner of a picnic ham. I will eat broccoli rabe and dad will have corn on the cob, our respective favorites.  

The hardest part so far is the absence of moms cheer. I feel cold all the time, both literally and figuratively.  I relate the feeling of cold to emptiness. Since mom died I lost a large piece of my heart.   This year has been hard. This Christmas has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined. My emotions have been on a roller coaster. My sleep schedule is basically non-existent. I am simply just trying to get through.  

If you are struggling this year, for any reason, I see you.  I know it is hard, but we will do it.

Much Love Always, TGR