Grief During the Holidays

 

Hello Honey!  I began diving into the topic of grief during the holidays in my last post but, I want to expand upon it.  This year will be my first without my mother and that is hard for many reasons.  I was never a holiday person so she always went all out to make it special.  Missing her cheery presence in the house is very noticeable as I expected.  We are not an over-the-top decorative family but Christmas was the holiday we went all out for -in our own way-.  This year it is too hard to go up into the attic and get the boxes of ornaments that we used every year.  I have the memory of her on the stairs handing me boxes upon boxes, and I cannot face those stairs yet.  

Mom was an Italian woman who did not like cooking.  It is almost impossible to find an Italian woman who does not like to cook in our family. Despite this, mom would spend every holiday up at the crack of dawn making the meal I requested.  Sometimes we cooked together, more often though she cooked independently.  When she was in the kitchen she could think and, I knew better than to disrupt her.

I cooked for Thanksgiving.  I made anything and everything I could think of because, when I was cooking I was not thinking about mom.  Needless to say, the kitchen was not my place to think.  I have to focus on everything I do or I will forget an important ingredient or step, I say that from experience. My dad and I sat at our dining room table that we have not used in a while and we talked.  We shared stories from our lives and our favorite ones of my mom.  We gave her famous "we are so lucky" speech.  We are very lucky but, that did not stop dad and I from giving her a hard time when she gave it every year.  

Thanksgiving was a hard time because I felt like I needed to take on moms role.  That was a pressure I put on myself and, that is something I do quite often.  I miss my mom's presence and to keep it alive I force myself to do as she would have.  I have to remind myself that no one will ever replace the space that my mother took, not even myself.  That is very hard to accept and while I can say that it will take more time to accept and apply to my life.  

As December approaches I will share how I am navigating the first Christmas without mom.  I hope you will follow the journey.  I know many people are grieving with responsibilities to a job, partner, parent, or child.  I want you to know that I see you, I am grieving in my way just as you grieve in yours.  You are valid in any way you choose to celebrate this Christmas.  

Much love always TGR